Is this as good as it gets?

I really don’t understand my body chemistry. Each month the mood swings enter into my body and I feel during that time horrible. I feel almost like a different person. I dislike and distrust all of the people in my life, all I want to do is be left alone and when interacting with others I’m prone to being angry and easy to yell. I don’t like this person that enters my body once a month but she’s been here about 41 years now and it is clear she isn’t going away. This month things have been a little better, not because I feel differently or kinder but because I’m taking better care of myself. What that means is being hyper aware that my feelings are sensitive, avoiding situations where I am liable to take my feelings out on others and taking space and asking for help when I need it. My partner is so grateful that I’m doing this he is being even more supportive than his usual supportive greatness. What I did differently yesterday when my daughter started to give me attitude was bef...

Anonymity be my name B4.6.27.17, Design Flaws I hate cramps! Talk about a design flaw, why do we need to feel pain when our body is expelling blood from our uterus? Seriously we get all the fun! Not to mention the mood swings and the inconvenience of having to be prepared to essentially wear a diaper or shove a stick up your vagina for 3 to 7 days a month. Ya, ya I know we get the joy of being able to create life in our body and birth a child, but let's be honest - that is no field day. Pregnancy is work, you are exhausted from day one, often sick to your stomach and generally feel bloated and often in pain for about 9 months. Then we get the “Joy” of childbirth, don’t let me get started on that farce. The only thing great about being the female sex if you ask me if motherhood, there is something truly amazing about being handed this tiny creature you’ve created in your body - for about a day, then the exhaustion and work sets in and we’re back to asking the question WHY??. ...

Anonymity be my name B3.6.20.17, The perspective time brings Today was my 41st birthday, felt very much like my 40th birthday as it goes but not much like my 31st. It is quite incredible how time passess with very little change from one year to the next but when you stack the years together the change becomes vast. In the small moments where things change and the big ones I’m not thinking this will become a memory or I’ll never remember today again but some become memories and some do not. Why is it I can remember some things that happened to me at 3 and not remember years between 3 and 5 or 6? Time is magic i’m convinced. Today I awoke from a bizarre dream about live zombies - I have no idea where the idea came from. But I did something differently this morning, I paused before bed and wrote down some notes. Then later in the day when I had a few minutes I started taking those notes and expanding them into the beginnings of a story. How cool is it that a week ago I hadn’t w...

Anonymity be my name B2.6.19.17, How smart is dumb Today I got into a bit of a heated debate with a co-worker and got so frustrated I hung up. I should not behave that way and tomorrow without taking back what I said I will need to apologize for the way I said things and communicated. Keeping my side of the street clean, owning my own crap even though i’m still quite annoyed. But for today, in the very personal and anonymous blog space I can rant and vent. Please forgive me for spreading my negativity and I hope you can leave it here after reading. What I want to say is first of all why, why??? Why do please speak from a place of knowledge and confidence on things they don’t understand or know about. Why do people when confronted with their ignorance choose to stand behind it at all costs instead of owning their shit? And finally why when someone approaches you with information that could be helpful to your job to your life to your existence do people fight that despite bein...

Anonymity be my name B1.6.18.17, Anonymous Often I just want to speak into the ether and share my day, my thoughts my musings. I wonder why I have the desire to share, to be heard and a need to have my life on display. Sometimes in public without realizing it I speak a little louder when others are around so they too can hear what I say. Its only recently I've discovered this as my daughter has pointed it out. The honesty and lack of fineness of teens is something I'm grateful for, who else is going to tell this forty something mommy she is a little out there. Do you narrate your life? I mean in your head mostly, sometimes to others, but mostly in your head. I certainly do. I will write a headline or compose a paragraph highlighting the mundane in all its glory. The peeling of an orange can be narrated if you are me, often I’m crafting a lesson in my head on the how tos of life. Folding laundry and doing dishes, sweeping and washing a mirror. Somewhere along the way...