Is this as good as it gets?

Feelings are a major pain in the ass. If I could go through my day in relative calm and not be annoyed or react to things that negatively stimulate me I'd be a better person. I'm sad which makes me feel vulnerable and weak which gets my back up and makes me prickly and defensive which gets me responding to everything and everyone in a state of fight mode. I am sick of being sad. I want to be happy, grateful, silly, playful and just feel light and breezy without anything to weigh me down. What if I could have a feeling and let it pass through me perfectly as it is without my history adding baggage like passengers to each feeling slowing and marring it down in complexity after complexity. I wish my heart could be like wind tunnels that would allow the feelings like wind to blow through and be done never to repeat, and repeat and get twisted and confused. I'm tired of being exhausted from the weight of carrying around all these feelings that aren't helping anyone. Why ...

Today I'm grieving that my mom has been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and she will die most likely sometime in the next two years. I'm grieving the next twenty years that I have lost with my mother witnessing me evolve as a human and mother and being my biggest supporter and friend. I'm grieving the loss of talking to my mom. Although I can still talk to her she cannot really speak to me and she's always been so supportive and caring I'm missing hearing her give me praise and reassurance. I'm grieving that life has to continue while this process happens and the next few years of life with my children will be shadowed with sadness while I watch them grow and mature. I really am powerless over my feelings, I know if I don't feel them as they come up and deal with them what happens is they come out sideways at my partner or family. I know that my natural inclinations is to put my head in the sand and pretend that none of this isn't happening or to ...

Finding my way back to feeling good again happens once a month. Being a creature driven by the moon or female cycles I go through a monthly emotional upheaval and depression that no amount of exercise, sex, friends, Al-anon, therapy or medications has ever gotten me over. So each month I isolate as much as I can and do what ever I can to trudge through the blah days until I can get back to feeling like myself again and hope that during my blue period I haven't made a mess of my relationships. This last one was a doozie. With my mom having a terminal cancer diagnosis, having my mom move in to my home with my family and my entire schedule mucked up with daily drives to radiation treatment that takes at minimum 3 hours it is no surprise that my normal "mood" swing was more of a title wave that tide. I mucked up my relationships and did what ever I could to put my head in the sand instead of deal with the waves of emotions crashing down on me and once bottled up they all tu...

What can I say about grief that hasn't already been said - absolutely nothing. Doesn't mean I don't still need to say it. Doesn't mean that the feelings seeping out don't still need to come out. Life is not fucking fair, cancer certainly isn't and this isn't news to anyone. Well fuck! The stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance but they don't really work in stages or steps. They happen simultaneously and in random patterns. I'm the ball in the pinball machine of life and I am all over those stages. If they were like levels in a game at least I could mark my progress through them and feel like I was moving forward, getting somewhere. But that would be too cut and dry and death is nothing if it isn't messy and undefined. Adapting to the death of someone is different also than adapting to the impending death of a loved one while all the while bringing them into your home and caring for them. Adapting to the fact ...

I minute - that’s all it takes for one's perspective to shift on its axis. One minute carefree and joyful to fear, sorrow and anxiety. It just takes a moment to shake you to your core - the threat of losing someone close to you can change everything. You never really know how that feels until you are in the moment, there with everything to lose and no roadmap for how to navigate the situations you're faced with and the feelings plaguing you. Shock is more than an expression it is a physical reaction your body goes through and it takes several paths. I froze, i listened and partially processed but what went through my mind was crazy. Fear of losing my mom, of never seeing her again, confusion about what is going on, so many questions I don’t know which to ask first, the weight of knowing I will be the one to make any decisions that come if my mom cannot, anger that this is happening to me, disappointment my fun vacation plans for the week are suddenly ripped from me and guil...