B9.9.13.17 Process and Reflection
Today I'm grieving that my mom has been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and she will die most likely sometime in the next two years. I'm grieving the next twenty years that I have lost with my mother witnessing me evolve as a human and mother and being my biggest supporter and friend. I'm grieving the loss of talking to my mom. Although I can still talk to her she cannot really speak to me and she's always been so supportive and caring I'm missing hearing her give me praise and reassurance. I'm grieving that life has to continue while this process happens and the next few years of life with my children will be shadowed with sadness while I watch them grow and mature.
I really am powerless over my feelings, I know if I don't feel them as they come up and deal with them what happens is they come out sideways at my partner or family. I know that my natural inclinations is to put my head in the sand and pretend that none of this isn't happening or to get hyper vigilant on the things i need to do for my mom and family but ignore myself and my needs. I know that if I follow that path life will not get better but worse. I am powerless over the chemicals in my brain and the mood swings I get monthly as well as the depression that is trying to take over my life right now. I know I cannot control my feelings or prevent myself from feeling. I know that if i do not take care of myself and make time to have my feelings, get support from others and exercise I will loose the little time I have left with my mom to depression and isolation.
I have now committed to give myself time to grieve a little each day by reading from a grief book from Al-anon and writing on the suggested meditations at the end of each chapter. The act of actually writing out my thoughts also helps prompt me to think about how I'm feeling and process. Blogging about it also helps me to think that maybe somehow, someday someone else may benefit from reading my story. I also know that I will continue to feel grief on and off until and long after my mom succumbs to this horrible cancer.
I am holding time each week to go to Al-anon, therapy and talk to my sponsor or a friend. I know I need that as part of this process even though I just want to wallow and sit in bed everyday. I am also holding time daily to exercise in the morning thereby adding some chemical help to my brain chemistry throughout the day and week.
Today I didn't sleep all that well because I felt sick and I woke up feeling sick. I was gentle with myself by allowing myself to sleep in a bit and work from bed for most of the day. My partner was very supportive in managing our toddler and I even got to meet another new sitter so that we have options for childcare as we need it through this process and over time. I will try my best to be gentle with myself but also to not compromise self care activities like exercise and reading and writing on my feelings.
I really am powerless over my feelings, I know if I don't feel them as they come up and deal with them what happens is they come out sideways at my partner or family. I know that my natural inclinations is to put my head in the sand and pretend that none of this isn't happening or to get hyper vigilant on the things i need to do for my mom and family but ignore myself and my needs. I know that if I follow that path life will not get better but worse. I am powerless over the chemicals in my brain and the mood swings I get monthly as well as the depression that is trying to take over my life right now. I know I cannot control my feelings or prevent myself from feeling. I know that if i do not take care of myself and make time to have my feelings, get support from others and exercise I will loose the little time I have left with my mom to depression and isolation.
I have now committed to give myself time to grieve a little each day by reading from a grief book from Al-anon and writing on the suggested meditations at the end of each chapter. The act of actually writing out my thoughts also helps prompt me to think about how I'm feeling and process. Blogging about it also helps me to think that maybe somehow, someday someone else may benefit from reading my story. I also know that I will continue to feel grief on and off until and long after my mom succumbs to this horrible cancer.
I am holding time each week to go to Al-anon, therapy and talk to my sponsor or a friend. I know I need that as part of this process even though I just want to wallow and sit in bed everyday. I am also holding time daily to exercise in the morning thereby adding some chemical help to my brain chemistry throughout the day and week.
Today I didn't sleep all that well because I felt sick and I woke up feeling sick. I was gentle with myself by allowing myself to sleep in a bit and work from bed for most of the day. My partner was very supportive in managing our toddler and I even got to meet another new sitter so that we have options for childcare as we need it through this process and over time. I will try my best to be gentle with myself but also to not compromise self care activities like exercise and reading and writing on my feelings.
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