B10.9.17.17 What is this feeling

Feelings are a major pain in the ass. If I could go through my day in relative calm and not be annoyed or react to things that negatively stimulate me I'd be a better person. I'm sad which makes me feel vulnerable and weak which gets my back up and makes me prickly and defensive which gets me responding to everything and everyone in a state of fight mode. I am sick of being sad. I want to be happy, grateful, silly, playful and just feel light and breezy without anything to weigh me down.

What if I could have a feeling and let it pass through me perfectly as it is without my history adding baggage like passengers to each feeling slowing and marring it down in complexity after complexity. I wish my heart could be like wind tunnels that would allow the feelings like wind to blow through and be done never to repeat, and repeat and get twisted and confused.

I'm tired of being exhausted from the weight of carrying around all these feelings that aren't helping anyone. Why do we grieve? What is grief anyway? How is it that the sophistication that is the human body has morphed our survival skills into complex emotions that that no longer aid in our survival but instead impede it? When animals experience fear they run away or fight when provoked and then in the  flight or run their adrenalin kicks and and they run or fight until all the feelings are gone leaving nothing behind. When humans feel fear or are provoked we tend to sit still in our feelings, dwell or stuff. They turn toxic in our body and come out in stomach ulcers or hyper tension. Or we eat to fill that gaping hole of need that wasn't filled up with love by our parents. Either way we have not yet established healthy grief skills if you ask me. And then to go from the grief of a one time event to feeling grief over an extended illness and then what happens? I really don't know I'm trying to figure it out and make sense of it but all I really feel right now is exhaustion.

It is impossible to make sense of it all and really what it feels like i'm doing is make a mess of it all.

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