B11.10.10.18 What am I doing?

Stress, anxiety, worry, all mean relatively the same thing however with some differences that can really matter.

It takes a lot to be responsible for a family of 5 people. To be the one that ensures we have enough money to keep a roof over our head, food in the fridge and all the utilities paid. To ensure everyone has access to medical coverage and to be responsible for booking and managing everyone's medical appointments. To be the person that has to come up with the money when unexpected financial responsibilities hit and allow for money for vacations and breaks. Add to that the concern for a parent dying of a terminal disease and the concerns for two female children moving through the world not known for protecting young girls. Add a career in a cut throat corporate environment and having to deal with your own mental health issues.

Now consider the fact that you are not dealing that well with managing all the responsibilities and that you feel like you are putting your own financial security at risk for retirement due to a house needing some rather significant repairs and what you have is a stressed out mommy. A mommy with anxiety about falling into depression relative the grief of losing her mom and worry that she isn't spending enough quality time with her mom and children coupled with the fact that it is hard to enjoy time with anyone. And what you get is a mommy with an ulcer and fatigue.

I was thinking I didn't have that much stress in my life, but when putting it down I see where it is all coming from. I'm tired, worn out and feeling scared for myself and my family. I want a vacation from my life. I also just want to have energy and motivation to clean my frickin house!  

Now I need to really look at my lack of faith here, my trust in my higher power and my willingness to trust the universe will ensure I'm provided for. At 42 I'm in a much better place than most people in this country and I could look at things differently. I could count my blessings and turn my worries over to my higher power. I could just let go, let god and hold on to my serenity. I think I'll do that for now.