B7.9.10.17, Grief
What can I say about grief that hasn't already been said - absolutely nothing. Doesn't mean I don't still need to say it. Doesn't mean that the feelings seeping out don't still need to come out. Life is not fucking fair, cancer certainly isn't and this isn't news to anyone.
Well fuck! The stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance but they don't really work in stages or steps. They happen simultaneously and in random patterns. I'm the ball in the pinball machine of life and I am all over those stages. If they were like levels in a game at least I could mark my progress through them and feel like I was moving forward, getting somewhere. But that would be too cut and dry and death is nothing if it isn't messy and undefined.
Adapting to the death of someone is different also than adapting to the impending death of a loved one while all the while bringing them into your home and caring for them. Adapting to the fact that your current life, the one you've guarded so fiercely and protected and tried to define in your own terms is also now irrevocably changed at the same time as learning how to care for another adult who is sick and your family while saving time for your family and yourself and mental health is nearly impossible. It certainly isn't something you can accomplish by putting your head the sand and letting it all sort it self out. You also cannot prioritize everyone else first and leave yourself with nothing or you'll have nothing left to give everyone else. So what do you do - you fucking schedule the shit out of your life. You make it all okay but making a time for everything and everyone and you set your watch by it and get your ass out of bed even on the days when you just don't want to because you have people counting on you and you cannot just fall apart.
So today and yesterday I had to figure all this out after spending some time with my head in the sand trying not to deal with the fact that I've been feeling really really sorry for myself. I've faced that I need to exercise and eat right daily to take care of my mental and physical health. So I'll be getting up 30 minutes earlier each day to run on the treadmill. I'll be cutting out all sugar and starch and most fat and focusing on getting my body back in shape. I'll be showering to be ready for my day and then starting my day with my kids, my partner and meeting my work commitments. Next I'll be spending my afternoons for 3 more weeks taking my mom to radiation and then coming home and spending at least 2 nights a week on self care. I'll be finding and holding at least 1 night a week for my teen, plan to spend at least 1 morning, evening or afternoon weekend with my mom 1:1 walking or doing art or something together and spending at least 1 night a week with my partner hopefully having fun and sex if we can fit it in. And at the end of every night before I do my check out time I'll read a chapter in my Al-anon grief book and do some blogging to get out my thoughts and feelings. This is the commitment I'm going to try to make so that I am living this life that goes by so quickly instead of simply enduring it. This time I have with my family and my mother doesn't come back. If I put my head in the sand, check out or don't take care of myself it will be gone before I know it and I will not get it back.
Just having a plan is better, I feel like in this uncontrollable time and situation I don't have to be a victim, I can focus on what I can do and that is live. I can do life and that is something. I can soak it all in, the pain the happiness the sorrow and the joy, I can revel in my inability to change things while changing my body for the better and get healthier. I can delight in being a life and sex while watching my mothers life deteriorate and decline. It is black and white, it is shades of gray where the life is lived. I'm going to strive to be gray.
I'm also going to try to end my daily musings with a gratitude list. Mostly it will be rote but it is necessary for my sanity and since I like lists I'm going to frame it up as one. Here it goes:
Well fuck! The stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance but they don't really work in stages or steps. They happen simultaneously and in random patterns. I'm the ball in the pinball machine of life and I am all over those stages. If they were like levels in a game at least I could mark my progress through them and feel like I was moving forward, getting somewhere. But that would be too cut and dry and death is nothing if it isn't messy and undefined.
Adapting to the death of someone is different also than adapting to the impending death of a loved one while all the while bringing them into your home and caring for them. Adapting to the fact that your current life, the one you've guarded so fiercely and protected and tried to define in your own terms is also now irrevocably changed at the same time as learning how to care for another adult who is sick and your family while saving time for your family and yourself and mental health is nearly impossible. It certainly isn't something you can accomplish by putting your head the sand and letting it all sort it self out. You also cannot prioritize everyone else first and leave yourself with nothing or you'll have nothing left to give everyone else. So what do you do - you fucking schedule the shit out of your life. You make it all okay but making a time for everything and everyone and you set your watch by it and get your ass out of bed even on the days when you just don't want to because you have people counting on you and you cannot just fall apart.
So today and yesterday I had to figure all this out after spending some time with my head in the sand trying not to deal with the fact that I've been feeling really really sorry for myself. I've faced that I need to exercise and eat right daily to take care of my mental and physical health. So I'll be getting up 30 minutes earlier each day to run on the treadmill. I'll be cutting out all sugar and starch and most fat and focusing on getting my body back in shape. I'll be showering to be ready for my day and then starting my day with my kids, my partner and meeting my work commitments. Next I'll be spending my afternoons for 3 more weeks taking my mom to radiation and then coming home and spending at least 2 nights a week on self care. I'll be finding and holding at least 1 night a week for my teen, plan to spend at least 1 morning, evening or afternoon weekend with my mom 1:1 walking or doing art or something together and spending at least 1 night a week with my partner hopefully having fun and sex if we can fit it in. And at the end of every night before I do my check out time I'll read a chapter in my Al-anon grief book and do some blogging to get out my thoughts and feelings. This is the commitment I'm going to try to make so that I am living this life that goes by so quickly instead of simply enduring it. This time I have with my family and my mother doesn't come back. If I put my head in the sand, check out or don't take care of myself it will be gone before I know it and I will not get it back.
Just having a plan is better, I feel like in this uncontrollable time and situation I don't have to be a victim, I can focus on what I can do and that is live. I can do life and that is something. I can soak it all in, the pain the happiness the sorrow and the joy, I can revel in my inability to change things while changing my body for the better and get healthier. I can delight in being a life and sex while watching my mothers life deteriorate and decline. It is black and white, it is shades of gray where the life is lived. I'm going to strive to be gray.
I'm also going to try to end my daily musings with a gratitude list. Mostly it will be rote but it is necessary for my sanity and since I like lists I'm going to frame it up as one. Here it goes:
- My children are my greatest joys, they are miracles and blessings and they help me to see the joy in simplest of things. Delight
- Having time to be with my mom, get to say the words and show my love and be together before she is gone is a gift that not everyone gets and so many long for. Relish
- My partner is my teacher, my friend, my lover and someone who I admire for all that he is is. Inspire
- My program keeps me sane, and has brought more gifts and joy to my life than any single other things I've tried. My program has given me my life and taken me from suffering to living. Fellowship
- The beauty of this world we live in and all things nature and natural is enough for a million lifetimes of experiencing. Including the incredible creatures in this world. Spirituality
- My friends help me to mark time and myself along this journey. My best friends who have seen me grow and change over time as I've seen them help me most to be me, see how wonderful and lovable I am and help me celebrate and endure this journey we are on. Celebrate
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